Thank You, Mr. Moral Police, for Guarding the Great Kerala Culture

Lekshmi Nair Shetty

Most respected moral policeman,

Thank you so much for protecting the moral fiber of God’s own country. But for you, this beautiful and culturally superior state would be the playground of unscrupulous, shameless, immoral men and women. Thank you for killing in the name of morality! It was refreshing to wake up to the news of you and your ilk mercilessly beating a man to death in Malappuram. I am sure his alleged paramour will be ever grateful to you for restoring her morality. The deceased had a wife and three little kids; they too will be eternally grateful to your gracious act.

But for your timeliness and alertness, husbands and wives, cousins, and God forbid, parent and child or siblings, who step out together in suspicious circumstances, would commit unpardonable crimes. And that would lead to great cultural and economic crises and ruin the state. You cannot allow that. Thank you.


I am overwhelmed by your dedication and thoroughness that put the real police (no, you are not unreal, you are beyond real) to shame. I often read stories of your valor in the media. Most of your ilk are all in the age group of 21 to 24. Wow! What sacrifices these young men make to protect our tradition and culture! Not only did they use vulgar words to shame the suspects, a mother and son in recent months for instance, they also stalked them on their bikes, stopped them in the middle of the road, manhandled the son, and stole… oops… took away the bike so that no immoral act is perpetuated. Proud of you, boys.

The state has been reeling under economic hardships and lack of employment opportunities. What you guys do is a self-help scheme which many unemployed and morally superior youth could make an example out of. Anywhere you suspect immoral activities going on, take away the bikes and cars. You are protecting Kerala from moral degradation, providing a great service, so keep the vehicles of the suspects as your service charge. What about starting khap panchayats all across the state? You be the judge and you be the jury. You write the laws and you punish the guilty.

I am stunned by the qualities and qualifications you come with. Most of you drop out of schools or colleges so you could protect your motherland. Not at the border, not as part of law and order, but by creating your own little parallel gangs that would create law-abiding citizens. I wonder how you can accurately recognize who is moral and who is immoral. Must be all of those unending hours you spend working hard, gazing at idiotic passersby and passing lewd comments, on the streets and in public establishments. Lewd comments are the touchstone for immoral people.


I am also pretty sure that given a chance, you wouldn’t want to give up this superior job to anything inferior, in construction or agriculture. Manual labor is for the Bengalis and the Biharis, right? We would rather have you loiter around, creating gangs of moral police, bashing up any boy who would dare drop a female classmate to the bus stop or have a cup of coffee in a café. When you are there, no boy can ever talk to a girl. No mother can ever ride pillion with a son. No husband can ever take a wife for a second show.

You don’t really get entry into the high-end public establishments; otherwise, the whole state would be the epitome of morality. You are just what the state needs. A bunch of hooligans who walk around threatening anyone and everyone, abusing and stealing, and even resort to stone cold violence in the name of morality. I am so proud of you. One last thing: I don’t know why typing “mallu” in Google throws up porn and lewd sites first. You would want to look into that.


A representative of the culturally impoverished.